Tag Archives: chaos

Enough

I think it’s time to accept reality.

I’m not a disciplined person. I cannot stick to a routine to save my life. Organisation skills? MIA: presumed dead (possibly imaginary to start with).

I just can’t do it. The chaos is too much a part of me; my energy levels – mental, physical and emotional – are too erratic, too impossible to predict. As soon as I get momentum going on a change or new habit something comes up to blow it out of the water again.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty chuffed that I managed to post something for 20 out of 30 days in November. That’s kind of cool.

But then I slipped up once, which made it easier to slip up again, and then my oldest daughter turned 8 and I promised her a Minecraft party, so I had to focus on that, and then I was dealing with a bunch of fatigue due to depression and/or highly fluctuating weather and/or the extra effort needed to do my work experience for my Education Support course (which I really enjoyed!)…

And then and then and then…

This is LIFE, Meg! It’s chaotic and random and busy. Especially with little kids to care for too. And you know what? Maybe you can’t just let go of your interests and daydreams and intentions. And maybe you can’t reconcile your desire for order and serenity with your broken brain that insists on skittering after every shiny thing and living in a perpetual state of “what if..?” Maybe it’s just not fucking possible.

Maybe you’re just going to have to accept the mediocrity of spreading yourself too thin and never really getting the hang of anything, rather than the mediocrity of an average, predictable life where you feel more in control.

I don’t know what that means, or how you can find a way to be happy with that path. I just know I’m so tired of striving. I’m tired of breaking baby steps down to the smallest possible increment – and still failing to meet my own expectations.

I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of feeling like a loser because I can’t keep my living space clean or manage to NOT end up with an empty bank account within days of receiving any money. I’m tired of having to keep track of who’s eaten what and constantly thinking about what to make next (since I can’t get the hang of meal planning). I’m tired of feeling gross and itchy from all the dust everywhere – and then feeling worse when my kids wake up sneezing from the dust in their room – and I’m tired of always being too tired and stressed to play with my kids!

I just want someone to swoop in and tuck me in bed and take care of everything for me!

But yeah, that’s not happening any time soon. So what do I do next?

I need to find a way to work with the chaos, to make it so I can still cover off the essentials without driving myself crazy or breaking under the pressure.

Any ideas?

Too many thoughts, not enough brain

Everything in my life is cluttered right now.

Too much stuff, too much food, too many thoughts, too many options.

I can’t relax in my house because everywhere I rest my eyes I see a job that needs doing. I can’t even close my eyes because then my brain takes over and starts hurling “should”s and “don’t forget to”s at me. It’s really driving me insane.

No more!

I’ve managed to pin my (equally stressy) husband down to take the girls out for at least two hours so I can get stuck into cleaning the living spaces. I’ve showered and dressed and imbibed much caffeine and have leftovers ready to graze on. I’m all psyched to get my potter on and haul myself out of this funk I’ve fallen into over the past few weeks.

Just to keep me accountable, here’s what I’m working with today: 

 
Living room (yes that’s a real kitty flaking out in front of the heater. He can stay). 

  Angle 2. 

 Kids’ room, which still hasn’t recovered from having my goddaughter here. I just hit a point where I gave up on it because they all just kept trashing it anyway. It actually looked far worse at the time… 

 
Kitchen bench.

Long-term goal is to sort everything to make it easier to cull and contain, but today is all about throwing out obvious rubbish and creating some clear spaces. For that to happen I need to:

  • Roughly clear up and clean the kids’ room
  • Put the excess toys in the living spaces back in there
  • Vacuum/dust/freshen up the living spaces.

THAT’S ALL. For today, anyway. Then once we all have space to breathe again I can look at some next steps. Hopefully the process will declutter my brain a little too!

Will update later today. Hassle me if I don’t!!