I think it’s time to accept reality.
I’m not a disciplined person. I cannot stick to a routine to save my life. Organisation skills? MIA: presumed dead (possibly imaginary to start with).
I just can’t do it. The chaos is too much a part of me; my energy levels – mental, physical and emotional – are too erratic, too impossible to predict. As soon as I get momentum going on a change or new habit something comes up to blow it out of the water again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty chuffed that I managed to post something for 20 out of 30 days in November. That’s kind of cool.
But then I slipped up once, which made it easier to slip up again, and then my oldest daughter turned 8 and I promised her a Minecraft party, so I had to focus on that, and then I was dealing with a bunch of fatigue due to depression and/or highly fluctuating weather and/or the extra effort needed to do my work experience for my Education Support course (which I really enjoyed!)…
And then and then and then…
This is LIFE, Meg! It’s chaotic and random and busy. Especially with little kids to care for too. And you know what? Maybe you can’t just let go of your interests and daydreams and intentions. And maybe you can’t reconcile your desire for order and serenity with your broken brain that insists on skittering after every shiny thing and living in a perpetual state of “what if..?” Maybe it’s just not fucking possible.
Maybe you’re just going to have to accept the mediocrity of spreading yourself too thin and never really getting the hang of anything, rather than the mediocrity of an average, predictable life where you feel more in control.
I don’t know what that means, or how you can find a way to be happy with that path. I just know I’m so tired of striving. I’m tired of breaking baby steps down to the smallest possible increment – and still failing to meet my own expectations.
I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of feeling like a loser because I can’t keep my living space clean or manage to NOT end up with an empty bank account within days of receiving any money. I’m tired of having to keep track of who’s eaten what and constantly thinking about what to make next (since I can’t get the hang of meal planning). I’m tired of feeling gross and itchy from all the dust everywhere – and then feeling worse when my kids wake up sneezing from the dust in their room – and I’m tired of always being too tired and stressed to play with my kids!
I just want someone to swoop in and tuck me in bed and take care of everything for me!
But yeah, that’s not happening any time soon. So what do I do next?
I need to find a way to work with the chaos, to make it so I can still cover off the essentials without driving myself crazy or breaking under the pressure.