I hit that sweet spot today.
That spot where I tune in to my body and make a shocking discovery:
I feel HAPPY.
Like, everything inside of me has let go and unclenched and I’m just BEING, right now, in the moment. And life is good.
It was on the walk in to school to pick up my 6yo at the end of the day that it hit. The weather was humid, with an intense sun lurking behind a thick layer of clouds, but there was enough of a cool breeze to make the slight stickiness bearable. Since we were cutting it a bit fine with the timing I broke into a bit of a run with the pram on the first downhill section (which my 2yo always enjoys – “Faster, mummy! Faster!”) and instead of feeling heavy and hot and uncomfortable I felt light and full of energy. This rarely happens to me: I’ve tasted it enough to understand where the “runner’s buzz” comes from but normally my biochemistry jealously hoards that intoxicating blend of dopamine and endorphins without sharing the love. Not today though! I wish I knew why.
We got to school early enough to chat with a few other parents before the kids got out, and then the girls and I headed back to our local park where we were meeting with one of my best friends and her kids (including a gorgeous 7 month old baby girl). I’d managed to scrape together enough funds to buy a few treats on the way – that we all shared amicably – and the girls were just being all happy and self-sufficient and a real pleasure to be around.
Thanks to my good mood I was able to play with the girls at the park longer and more enthusiastically than I normally do, which obviously spread and magnified the good vibes. Then I had a great chat with my very dear friend, and squishy baby cuddles, and very little resistance when it came time to leave.
Things fell apart a bit over dinner prep (as they are wont to do) but the good will recovered (possibly with a little gin-based assistance…) and I’m now lying in bed still all aglow and relaxed and content.
Why can’t it be like this every day?! Is this what life is like without mental illness? Is this the norm around which your mood and energy deviates? Because DAYUM guys! If life is always like this for you then please count your blessings daily (at least!). Personally I’m analysing everything I’ve done over the last few days and taking note of any differences that may have triggered this upswing. Past experience suggests it will be fleeting and unpredictable, but you never know…
I recently discovered a new (to me) classification for depressive symptoms described as “unipolar.” It’s basically bipolar, but instead of swinging between depression and mania you swing between depression and feeling “normal” (for want of a better term). Pretty sure that’s what my depression has evolved into.
Here’s hoping my current state of normalcy decides to hang around for a bit!