This phrase pops up a lot in my writing, as it also pops up a lot in my head. Basically all my struggles in trying to establish a peaceful, satisfying life boil down to this one phrase.
I don’t wanna.
Like right now, for instance. It’s around 3.30am. I should be asleep so I’m well-rested enough to wake up with my kids and have the energy to go beyond just “getting through” the day and actually enjoying myself.
But no, I don’t wanna. Tomorrow is Future Meg’s problem.
I have a million and one things going around my head, from how to fix some administration issues with Centrelink (which are leaving me seriously broke and need to be addressed); to getting organised before school starts up for the year (in two weeks!!); to planning out blog posts so I can enjoy blogging rather than seeing it as yet another commitment hanging over my head and being neglected too much; to working out what I need to do to apply for some grants and potential work I have leads for. I should sit down with paper and pen to map it all out and break it down into manageable chunks to tackle one at a time over the next few days.
But no, I don’t wanna. It’s too overwhelming and hard. And what if I do all that and still don’t get any of it done? How much crappier will I feel then?
I need to actually get out my laptop to do a bunch of stuff that I can’t do on my phone and tidy up my online presence to tie everything together and simplify things. Then I’ll be able to make more progress toward establishing some sort of writing/editing career, maybe.
But no, I don’t wanna. I hardly ever use my laptop so it’s kind of confusing and aggravating now. Plus as soon as I sit down the kids are all over me trying to tap the keys and poke things so I always end up frustrated. And do I really want to commit to writing and/or editing professionally? How the heck am I going to keep on top of deadlines when I’m so disorganised and depressed?
And of course there’s the ever-present grind of cleaning and culling and sorting hanging over my head. I’ve been doing bits and pieces here and there, but it’s still chaos as usual here at Chez Meg.
BAH! I don’t wanna I don’t wanna I. DON’T. WANNA!!
When my head is in this state I literally visualise a four year old girl, stamping her foot and scrunching her eyes up and SCREAMING these words at me with a wide open oval of a mouth.
And then I visualise myself punching her, repeatedly, in that stupid, obnoxious little face.
It shocked me, the first time that image popped into my head. But it really does help! I’d like to stress that I’m not even vaguely violent in real life (let alone violent towards children!!) but inwardly indulging my sense of frustration and powerlessness in the monolithic face of my depression in this way really does feel quite cathartic and empowering.
I’m feeling overwhelmed and paralysed by a blend of perfectionism, stress, and social anxiety, but at least now my brain isn’t screaming at me anymore. Instead I’m lovingly holding it and explaining how we can work together to feel on top of things again.
It’s a small gain, but I’ll take it.