Monthly Archives: September 2014

Embracing the cosmic cha-cha

Everything has spiralled out of control again the last few days. My mother came to stay with us over the weekend and her visit has reminded me why I’m doing this. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my parents and really, genuinely enjoyed having her here – she took us out to see some excellent theatre at Sydney Children’s Festival and played loads of pretend with the girls while hubby and I went out for brunch. It was AWESOME!

But the aftermath was pretty overwhelming.

Toys and clothes everywhere; dishes sprawled on the bench, covered in congealing gunk; art and craft supplies strewn across the kitchen table (like, more than usual); hyped up kids full of sugar and buzzing from the constant stream of “yes;” a bin full of food which could’ve been stashed in the fridge for later- and I wasn’t much better! Thanks to Mum’s love of indulgence her wallet was constantly open while she was here. We ate out each night and if I ever had to buy something she would hand me fifty bucks and tell me to keep the change. I must say I milked it for all it was worth (hubby gets paid monthly so we were seriously broke over the weekend). Did I stash that bonus cash away and spend it wisely though? Of course not! I was like a kid in a candy store and splurged on luxury items as fast as she handed it to me.

ALL of us had serious “sugar” comas Sunday afternoon. I sat down in a sea of clutter, nearly empty pocket burning a hole in my conscience, and was not particularly proud of myself.

I let myself wallow even more yesterday to give my depression time to frolic and cavort through my head, casually flinging insults and I-told-you-so’s over her shoulder. Things got pretty bad by bedtime, but I woke up with a glimmer of resolve this morning and tracked down one of my favourite quotes (by Robert Brault) to meditate on while waiting for my espresso to cool.

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(I couldn’t find the original source for this image but will happily give credit if anyone knows…)

So often in life I get discouraged too easily. When I hit a hurdle, no matter how small, it is life mocking me for thinking progress was possible. “It’s all too hard!” I will tell myself, hand stapled firmly to forehead for maximum effect. “I may as well give up and accept things as they are,” I will add as I flop dejectedly on the floor and eat popcorn with the kids while they mindlessly stab at the iPad.

Well I’m sorry, oh melodramatic one, but there’s a new boss in town. I know that progress is possible. I have blog posts and photos and small oases of order around the house to prove it. So things stalled over a special visit from Gran for a few days. So what? So you have to put other plans on hold for a moment to get back up to scratch again. So what? What’s the alternative here? Give up? Keep driving yourself and the rest of your family nuts by embracing the chaos and clutter and disconnect? Not an option anymore.

This is just a small step back in the cosmic cha-cha of life, not a reason to give up. Time for a quick ball-change then step forward to the next beat.

Cha cha cha!

*no jazz-hands were hurt in the writing of this post.

Widgets and headers and sidebars oh my!

I have a confession to make. It’s kind of embarrassing in this day and age – and especially for someone only in their thirties – but I feel like I need to just lay it out on the table here.

I’m pretty much IT illiterate.

I don’t know why, but I’ve never been able to get the hang of computers. I just can’t latch in to the right way of thinking to make sense of how they work. It’s symptomatic, really: my brain always seems to shut down whenever I try to teach it something practical. In maths I would ace all the abstract stuff but as soon as we did statistics or compound interest or pretty much anything to do with finance, really, it was just in one ear and out the other. In physics I loved looking at atoms and waveforms and gravitational effects, but electrical circuits? I couldn’t tell my ohms from my watts from my amps.

And so it is with computers. They’re a mystery to me. A big, intimidating, frustrating mystery. Why do they need so many files and folders? And 57 options for each action? And why do all the printers hate me and just flat out refuse to do what they’re asked? How hard is it to just print when I hit the damn “print” button?! Huh??! IT’S YOUR ENTIRE REASON FOR EXISTING, YOU SMUG, CONTRARY LITTLE CONTRAPTION!!

It’s only gotten worse since iPhones came along. I do all of my internet stuff on my phone (along with about 80% of my reading and gaming) and only turn to my laptop if the iPad still doesn’t cut it. If I’m going to try to make a go of writing, though, I’m going to have to reacquaint myself with a keyboard and brush up on my Word skills as much as my word skills.

Dagnabbit.

So yeah, I think I’ll wait til my fabulous tech support guy (aka the hubby) is free to walk me through everything before I get into playing around with widgets and headers and sidebars on here. I’ll just stick to the word-wrangling for now.

Could you all stop being so darn fascinating?!

I took a couple of days off my blog to focus on reading around everyone else’s and ended up commenting on way more than the four suggested by the guys at Blogging 101. I can now see how people treat blogging as a full-time job. It takes time to cultivate a community and that process is definitely a worthwhile investment, but now I have a massive list of ideas for posts that will take forever to get through! Bad blogging community! I have enough on my plate without you lot firing off my creative juices all willy nilly. *wags finger in your face*

For today, I must redress a wrong by sharing the blog I wrote my least considered comment on. Pixie Dust Beach very thoughtfully shared three blog recommendations of her own that were all awesome and all I could think of to write was “Thank you for sharing these. Very cool blogs.” YAWN.

What I should have written was “Wow! These are all great but that third one was an epiphany. I’ve never been any good at knowing when to give up. Thanks so much for sharing it. Real food for thought.”

The bit that really got me was this part of Pixie’s summary of Kristen Lamb’s blog about learning when to quit (I’m getting all Blogception up in here. Just bear with me):

Quitting is often branded as the loser’s route. Quitters never succeed. Quitters don’t ever make it. Far from the truth, Kristen discusses how some successful writers today are where they are precisely because of them knowing when to quit.

I have so much trouble knowing when to cut my losses and quit. Once I have invested any energy into something I feel like I can’t let it go. Writing, craft projects, DIY projects, parties, mothers groups, toxic friends, clothes, toys – you name it. I’m always the last to leave, the last one holding on til the bitter end, way beyond the point where whatever it is was useful or enjoyable or even possible.

But then once it has passed the point of possibilities all I’m doing is wasting that energy, and then wasting extra energy feeling guilty for not putting more into it and seeing it through and then wasting EXTRA extra energy feeling wistful and regretful that it never worked out (my unfinished Masters thesis immediately springs to mind).

This is at the crux of all my hoarding and all the chaos in my brain. So much thinking about possible outcomes in the future and keeping options open and holding onto things “just in case.” So many things I’m only keeping for the pure fact that they spark a memory every time I stumble upon them that otherwise has no bearing on my life anymore. So much fear of loss and regret.

So much fear..

Whoa. We’ve moved from blogs within blogs to epiphanies within epiphanies now. I’ve never explicitly linked fear to these feelings before but there it is, squatting over everything and smirking at me right in the face. I just… wow. Writing has always been therapeutic for me but now I’m feeling like I should be paying you all by the hour.

Thanks for sharing, again, Pixie. Food for thought indeed.

20 Followers!

Yay! *does a happy dance*

Can I say again how glad I am that I stumbled by chance upon that blurb for Blogging 101? It’s really been so helpful for getting things going. I’m a teensy bit behind, since you can’t do widgets on your phone and I haven’t been able to get the laptop out, but otherwise I am still loving the experience.

I was going to come on here to post something deep and meaningful about depression but that handful of comments and views and follows I’ve received since I last checked in lifted my mood too much (don’t worry, I’m sure that post will be relevant again soon enough..). Instead of dwelling on frustrations and darkness I’m going to focus on things I actually achieved today despite that black dog’s best efforts:

– I conferred with family members to settle upon a time, date and theme for my littlest one’s upcoming birthday party.

– I washed two loads’ worth of dishes that had been piling up around the sink for the last few days.

– I hauled all the clothes and drawers out of my wardrobe to give it a good airing. I also took all the coat hangers into the backyard and hosed them down (some were looking a bit dusty) and hooked them on the clothesline to get a bit of sun AND made a first pass at culling some of my clothes.

– I managed to have three sit-down (light) meals with my kids.

– I helped the kids set up some fun crafty and sensory-play activities (including some outside) and we managed to clean up after them as we moved on to new stuff rather than just leaving mess everywhere.

– I wrote out all the overwhelm in my head this morning, made a to-do list, and was able to get back to it whenever I got distracted.

– I made DELICIOUS soup for dinner with enough for leftovers.

All this despite a little voice in my head screaming “I DON’T WANNA DO THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE! I JUST WANNA FLOP ON THE COUCH AND EAT CHIPS AND CROCHET! I. DON’T. WANNNNAAAAAA!!” non-stop through the whole day. Sure, I got cranky and yelled a few times and had to go scream in a pillow at one point and let the kids watch waaaay too much TV, and sure I ended up hitting the wine at 4.30pm instead of waiting til dinner and there’s still a mound of clothing and wire drawers littering the hallway right now, and sure I never made it to the supermarket or got out to the park or anything, but DAYUM girl! I’m actually a bit chuffed with you right now. You’re in the midst of a depressive episode and readjusting to having both kids home all day for the holidays and actively trying to make positive change at the same time. Kudos, dude.

Tomorrow?

– Reclaim desk from the little ones and set up laptop.
– Make a formal birthday invitation and send it around.
– Keep on culling clothes and putting things away in the wardrobe again.
– Catch up on Blogging 101 tasks, along with updating my own goals/tasks.
– Get to the shops and park.

That’s not too hard, right? If I could get through today in one piece, tomorrow should be a breeze.

First Task! Operation 2nd Birthday

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So my youngest is turning 2 soon. I wasn’t going to bother with anything too elaborate but she’s actually pretty excited about the whole thing. For the last few weeks she’s been saying “Me birthday? Balloon? Cake?” several times a day. I think she’ll be rather disappointed if I stick to my original plan for a casual day at the park with just family now.

This could be a problem.

Here, let me just walk you through my usual approach to birthday parties so far.

……

Mediocre Meg’s Guide to Planning a Birthday Party

Step 1: At the end of the last Birthday Party flop on the couch and say “Never again!” and vow to be better prepared next year. Stash leftover party supplies somewhere safe and sensible so you can use them at a later date.

Step 2: Spend the next 11 months idly thinking about presents and party options. Occasionally discuss it with your child if they’re old enough.

Step 3: One month out from the party, start thinking “I really should start telling people about this and sending out invites,” at least once a day.

Step 4: Two weeks before the party, go “Holy shitsnacks! I haven’t invited anyone yet!!” Throw together a Facebook event page and make a list of other people to call (bonus points if you actually write it down). When people ask what sort of presents to buy, draw a blank and tell them you’ll put a list together.

Step 5: One week before the party, forward the list of presents to those that asked. Send a group text invite to the people you couldn’t contact via Facebook because you’re too stressed to call and invite them personally. Start writing a to-do list and have a small panic attack as it spirals out into a three-page tome.

Step 6: Two days before the party send private messages to the people who haven’t seen the Facebook page yet. Cut your to-do list back to a page and a half. Maybe prep some of the food but completely fail to do anything else.

Step 7: One day before the party start obsessively checking the weather forecast. Look for the party supplies you stashed away last year and freak out because you can’t find them anywhere. Find the stuff from the year before but throw it out because it’s too dusty and crumpled. Give up and go buy three times as much food and supplies as you could possibly need. Bake cake if nobody has offered to do it for you. Tidy one room if the party is at home. Cull the to-do list back to one page.

Step 8: On the day of the party think seriously about cancelling but soldier on anyway. Duck out to the supermarket to grab all the things you forgot yesterday. Completely forget to give anyone breakfast until people start looking faint. Give up on the six other things you’d planned to bake and start cutting up fruit salad and veggie sticks. Let the kids make fairy bread. Lose your shit over all the mess they make that you now have to clean up. Allow husband to lead you, sobbing, to your room and pull yourself together while he gets the kids dressed.

Step 9a: If the party is at home, feverishly clean the rest of the house right up until people arrive. Allow your more organised friends (who know you too well) to finish setting up snacks. Finally be ready for the party an hour after it started. Run around setting up three of the eight activities you had planned and making sure everyone is happy. Dig out last year’s candles because you forgot to buy more. Sing Happy Birthday and have cake then send everyone off home without party bags because you never got around to putting them together.

Step 9b: If your party is somewhere else, spend all morning letting everyone know they’ll have to allow plenty of time to get there early. Obsessively check the weather forecast and stress about how to transport food, cake and presents to the park/venue. Arrive anywhere from 5 – 30 minutes late. Finally be ready for the party an hour after it started. Realise you forgot the bag with the activities in it. Remember that the knife for cutting the cake was in there too. Cut the cake with a plastic knife then send everyone home without party bags because you never got around to putting them together.

Step 10: Flop on the couch and say “Never again!” and vow to be better organised next year. Stash leftover party supplies somewhere safe and sensible so you can use them at a later date.

……

Seriously, though, I want to do better this year. My littlest miss will be 2 years old in three weeks. All the most important people know it’s coming but only in the vaguest possible terms.

Stay tuned to see if I can pull it off this time.

Enough talk! Let’s do this

Right! So here’s how I envisage this blog working. I need to do a bunch of work in pretty much every area of my life right now so I will set up separate tabs in the menu for each field (eventually, when I work that out). I will then detail the current goal that I am prioritising and the steps I expect to take to get it under control. Then I will update the progress as I go along until I reach the goal, and check back every now and then as I maintain things afterwards.

Alongside that I’ll do more general posts as they come along, documenting how I’m feeling about the whole process and bringing up any relevant thoughts and resources. It’s all pretty amorphous at the moment, which my perfectionist self is not happy about (she can bite me!), but I think it’s time to just kick things off and alter them on the fly as necessary.

So, where am I at right now, here at the beginning of my journey? (Long post ahead!)

Health

Diet – Not too bad, although I eat more processed convenience foods than is optimal. I love my veggies and fruit and do a lot of cooking and baking from scratch (especially since I need to avoid gluten and dairy). The main issue is a lack of routine and predictability which is incredibly exhausting in terms of decision fatigue, especially when factoring in the constant barrage of demands and whims from my two little ones as well. I’d like to plan meals more to reduce wastage and dithering, and I’d like to be able to hang the rest of the day around consistent, predictable meal times.

Sleep – I’m a restless night owl with two mini restless night owls, who all come from a long line of restless night owls! To be honest, I’ve spent years and years (and years) trying to get a decent sleep routine going and absolutely nothing works. At one stage in my twenties I experimented for a couple of weeks by just ignoring the clock and going to bed when I was tired and sleeping til I woke up. I automatically settled in to about a 26 hour cycle that couldn’t care less about whether the sun was up or not. Not helpful! Right now my focus is on reducing stress, practising mindfulness, improving general health and fitness, and just grabbing sleep whenever it happens. Hopefully once I get some more routine going in the rest of my life I can finally make improvements here.

Fitness – Much room for improvement! I’ve always been a nerdy, creative type who was teased a lot for being slow and uncoordinated and picked last for every team. Add to that a general distaste for being sweaty or pushing through the discomfort that comes from cardio work and there is no surprise that I actively shun formal exercise. I don’t take well to “army drill” type instructors either: I get defiant and want to fail rather than have them think that they’ve helped me. That being said, I LOVE dancing and was pretty fit back in my nightclubbing days so I’d be open to dance classes and stuff like yoga and Pilates. I think for now I need to focus on upping the incidental exercise and gradually bringing in some regular moderate-high impact work somehow.

All I know is I’m getting pretty dumpy and am not at all happy about it. Also, diabetes is rife on both sides of my family and after having gestational diabetes during both pregnancies I REALLY want to avoid getting it for real! Those are some pretty stiff odds for me to overcome so I need to start getting serious about it NOW.

Happiness – This is a big focus of mine thanks to my depression. I have been on medication in the past but don’t really like the idea of using it long term unless totally necessary. I do think a focus on mindfulness practise is the key for my emotional maintenance, alongside everything else I’m doing here.

Finances

Day to Day – I have already done a little work in this area and am at a point where I can break even week to week without too much effort. I’d like to tighten things up further though and get to a point where I can actually save stuff and stick to a budget successfully without compromising on little luxuries and general quality of life.

Long Term – I need to pull together my multiple superannuation accounts and consolidate them, I need to chip away at my small amounts of debt, and I need to start making a game plan for reentering the workforce once my youngest is a bit older. The medium-term dream is to work from home doing proof reading and editing (and possibly selling crafty creations on the side), but I seriously have no clear direction in mind beyond that.

In the meantime, I want to understand money better. I’ve always been good at more abstract maths (it was my best subject at school) but anything with a practical application has always gone in one ear and out the other. I don’t want to be a burden on others my whole life! Time to get a handle on this whole personal finances thing.

Home

This is probably the biggest area in need of work. It can be broken down into two further categories: Ongoing Maintenance, and Culling and Organising.

Ongoing Maintenance – Growing up, my family was pretty slovenly. Us kids were only given one chore – washing dishes – and you can bet it was a big point of contention between my siblings and I. We were never made to clean our rooms or tidy up after ourselves or cook any meals or do our homework at a set time. Once I hit high school I had to wash and iron my own uniform but apart from that I was pretty much left to my own devices. It was GLORIOUS when I was a kid, but left me having to learn a lot of basic household maintenance stuff from scratch as an adult.

I don’t actually know what having a daily/weekly/monthly chore routine looks like. In our house, everything was cluttered and dusty and cobwebby and cleaning was this horrible drag to be avoided at all costs. Whenever we had a party coming up or house guests coming to stay, there would be a whirlwind of activity with everyone being grumpy and snapping at each other while we all half-assedly tried to make the house presentable. I was flabbergasted when a therapist told me many years later how most people saw house maintenance as something you simply do to make life flow more easily! I just assumed everyone hated it as much as I did but was better at sucking it up than I was…

Anyway, my goal is to gradually build up a cleaning schedule for each area of the house. I have made a little headway with this, but it’s still pretty sporadic. I need to find a way to crack the whip and push through my stubborn resistance. I also need to find a way to accept that this one will be a long process of slowly chipping away at bad habits accumulated over decades. There will be a lot of back and forth motion here but hopefully the underlying progression will consistently move forward.

Culling and Organising – There is no getting around this: we have way too much stuff! And it is all over the place! And it is oppressive and chaotic and overwhelming for everyone.

That being said, I am a hoarder at heart, so this is not going to be as straightforward as just chucking it all out. Plus, my oldest daughter is a highly sensitive soul who has trouble letting go of things too. Ultimately we will all benefit from some serious culling, but again, it will take time to do it properly. My goal is to chunk each room down into sections and systematically work through them, culling and compartmentalising as I go. Hubby is SO on board with this too though, so I’m hoping we can maintain some momentum once we get going.

Family Life

Parenting – This can be a highly contentious topic so I’m not sure if I will blog about it much. I have a firm conviction that my underlying intentions and ideal actions are the right choices for my particular family, but others will definitely disagree with me so it may not lead to productive discussions. I’m including it here for now, though, because I do feel like I need to lift my game in this arena too. My heart and head are in the right place but my actions don’t match up with my ideals as often as I would like and the whole family is hurting for it. I think once I improve in other areas of my life the benefits will absolutely flow on to my kids but my parenting skills could definitely benefit from more focussed attention on top of that too.

General Organising Skills – I’m really, really bad at planning ahead and sticking to said game plans. My goal here is to get into better scheduling habits and stay on top of timetables and events instead of leaving things to the last minute and forgetting and missing things all the time.

I think that’s enough to start with! Are you ready? Let’s do this.

Curse you, Daily Post!

*shakes fist in their general direction*

You’re making me sit at an actual computer so I can go to your actual site and look at my actual blog to make actual decisions about how it actually looks.

Then it won’t be just another app on my phone that I faff around on in bed. It will be real. And all the people I’ve started following – and have actually started following me! – will be more real. And then I have to start taking it all a bit more seriously and get my game face on.

And then I’ll actually have to start following through on my goals and possibly get my shit together after all.

Well played, you crafty buggers. Well played.

Dear Dream Reader: I got your back, soldier!

It’s quite late here as I write this so I’m not feeling particularly creative about today’s Blogging 101 task. I was going to try to subtly weave the suggested questions into a grand masterpiece of blogging glory, but instead I’ll just bluntly ask:

Who is my dream reader?

Truthfully? Myself, in another’s body.

Here’s the thing: There are 7 billion-odd people on this planet right now. It is pure folly to believe we’re all each special, unique little flowers, completely different to everybody else out there. It’s just not possible – and not healthy. For sure, nobody else has my exact DNA or exact system of neuronal connections. Nobody has my exact tone of voice in combination with my exact differing leg length and exact shade of blue in their eyes.

But there are plenty of other people out there that are similar enough to “get” me. Plenty who will go “Oh, SNAP!” when I describe how I go into freeze mode when I have too much to do or when my perfectionism sabotages all my efforts at creating order from the chaos. Plenty who make the same parenting choices as me when their little ones throw them a curve ball or make the same financial choices when things are tight but that brownie and chai craving just won’t quit. Plenty who can totally relate when I sit up well past any logical bedtime mindlessly playing puzzle games with my eyes practically falling out of my head despite knowing full well how ridiculous I’m being.

So I guess my dream reader, the sort of person I’d most like to connect to with this blog, is one of the many, many kinda-like-Meg people out there whose ideas and feelings happen to resonate with what I’m going through right now. Preferably someone who might feel like a bit of a lonely weirdo failure adrift in a sea of people who seem to have their shit together (Spoiler: they don’t!). Someone whose day will be brightened by knowing they are not alone.

Come be a weirdo failure with me instead, because I totally and utterly “get” you.

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Image source

Blogging 101

So I signed up to do the Blogging 101 course through the Daily Post. Hopefully it will help me get the ball rolling here, and hopefully I can get a bit more of a community going – although that can be a bit of a double edged sword given my fully sick procrastination skills when there are online discussions to be had!

I’m a little late getting started (no surprises there) BUT I’ve already written an introduction I’m happy with and I spent over a year refining my title and tag line before I set this thing up, so it’s pretty smooth sailing so far.

I will take a moment to elaborate on my title and tag line though, as it might possibly come across as a bit negative.

All my life I’ve had great support systems who gave me the message “You’re smart! You can do anything if you just put your mind to it!” and consistently kept options open to me to succeed at whatever I wanted to do. Pretty positive, right?

Not so much.

I’m a textbook case of someone whose identity was wrapped up in being “the smart kid.” If anything was too much effort I’d quit rather than risk failing and I constantly fudged things and refused offers of help to avoid the chance of looking dumb. Plus, I’m always terrified of closing options off in case I lock myself in to something that proves to be a dead end and spend the rest of my life regretting things. Sure, I might end up succeeding at something if I put my mind to it, but you have to have that “something” in mind first! In reality, I’ve instead become overwhelmed by choices and interests so just end up drifting and half-assing everything and generally being stressed out and numb (especially since I often also feel like I’ve failed everyone who ever put faith in me too).

On top of that, my parents were pretty permissive, creative types who actively encouraged us to live outside the norm and left us to our own devices a lot. That might sound good on paper, but given how lacking in drive and focus I’ve always been the end result is one slobby, lazy individual with no self-discipline or grasp of basic life skills.

Now that I have kids of my own I am determined to get my shit together so I can model a better lifestyle for them to emulate. It’s time to grow up and get back to the basic building blocks of a happy, successful life. No more thinking that I’m somehow “better” than people who do housework and have routines and just get on with mundane life stuff. No more pressure to always keep options open and be spontaneous. No more ridiculous perfectionism getting in the way of just getting shit done.

Basically, I need to accept that life is often ordinary and mundane and I’m still a worthwhile person if I don’t excel at everything I do. After all, exceptional things are meaningless if you don’t have a mediocre background to compare them to.

Time to cherish the ordinary, everyday stuff so I can create the necessary launching pad to find my true bliss.

Frozen in Time

So we finally watched Frozen for the first time last weekend. I know, I know – we’re so far behind the boat we haven’t even got in the car to drive to the wharf yet. My oldest little miss is highly sensitive to shame and regret and really doesn’t deal well when people are about to do something that will get them into trouble, so I wasn’t confident she could get through it until now. As it was, she had to leave the room a few times when it was getting too intense and begged us to turn it off during the blizzard just before the big climax.

She did make it through, though, and has asked to see it at least once every day since then.

This does not bother me in the slightest.

I’d happily sit down and obsessively watch it with her on endless repeat all day every day if I didn’t also have a toddler to tend to. This movie, with its strong musical theatre overtones, has triggered a whole bunch of emotions and yearnings and memories in me that have lain dormant for some time now. I thought, in fact, that I had processed all this stuff and moved on already. I guess not.

I still want to be famous.

I still want to sing.

I still want to act.

But sadly:

I still kind of suck at all of these things.

Don’t get me wrong, if you grabbed a large random sample of people I’d definitely be up near the more talented end of the spectrum, but I definitely also lag quite far behind the people who actually end up getting anywhere as a performer.

I remember in a lesson once my teacher tried to give me a pep talk. “Look,” she said, “98% of what we do as professional performers is boring and tiring and hard. But that 2% of total inspiration and creative freedom is what carries you through!” My heart dropped. “Two percent?” I thought, “That’s really all you can give me? Two percent?”

That was when I realised I really didn’t have the right stuff. I’m not driven and passionate and talented enough to push through and make a name and a living out of performing.

But goddamnit! I just can’t accept the idea of living an inconsequential, everyday life. I still daydream that “one day” I’ll just somehow fall into fame and fortune (sometimes as a muso, sometimes as an actor, sometimes as a DJ, sometimes as a writer, sometimes as a politician…) without all the hard work of practicing and hustling and cultivating ambition and working my way up from ground zero that I need to do first. Whenever I try to talk my way out of this silliness and accept that it’s far more likely I’ll just have a pleasant, everyday kind of existence with a small sphere of influence on friends and family – and that’s totally OK! – I just end up horribly, horribly depressed.

But then, when I try to formulate a plan to reach for a loftier, more influential goal and really take in how much effort and energy that will need (and how much rebounding and rejection that will entail) I still just end up horribly, horribly depressed.

So here I sit, frozen in time, waiting for life to miraculously sort itself out one way or another while the days keep whizzing by…

I think I’ll put the movie on again.