Monthly Archives: August 2014

Blog: The Next Post

You know what sucks?

Being a true extrovert with social anxiety.

Seriously.

I love me some alone-time but my head is really not very healthy without regular social interaction to pull me out of it when things get too crazy. But then I spend so much time freaking out and second-guessing myself when talking to people that truly energizing interactions are few and far between. It’s even worse online: when I can’t immediately clarify things and correct misconceptions in the moment it practically makes my head implode. A friend of mine once described me as psychotically friendly and it’s really quite appropriate: if I think somebody has misinterpreted something I’ve said or done and taken offense where none was intended (and it’s never intended) I can’t rest until I’ve had a chance to explain myself – and sometimes that’s just plum impossible. It’s awful!

You know, there has been research to show that there is a genetic basis to how we interact with each other. There is a subtle body chemistry going on whenever we talk to others that at least partially dictates both how we present ourselves and how we interpret their words and actions. It was really reassuring when I read about this because I’ve often walked away from conversations with people thinking “Why the fuck did I say that?” I could tell it was the wrong thing to say and the wrong way to say it before it even left my mouth but I just couldn’t stop it from coming out. Maybe there is such a thing as fate and for some people my role in their life is to embarrass myself or be the bad guy in a given situation in order to progress their life stories. If so, can I get a better agent?? I’m seriously sick of my chronic foot-in-mouth disease and nothing I ever do seems to shake it.

Maybe I just don’t have thick enough skin for this writing lark. Even writing anonymously it hurts when a comment gets downvoted or well thought out opinion gets trolled and attacked. I’ve always considered myself to be good at taking constructive criticism face to face, but anonymous taunting and ridicule are way harder for me to swallow. I can’t tolerate knowing that someone has a poor opinion of me and being unable to do anything to fix it. I can’t not care about the good opinion of others. Rationally I know how important it is to stay detached and I can see the benefits of being able to shrug off such things but I still really suck at the process. Instead it churns away in my brain and consumes all my energy for days, trying to figure out a way to fix the situation when more often than not a solution just doesn’t exist and all I can do is walk away.

Ah well, onward and upward! I’ll finish with one of my new favourite quotes (which I’m thinking of turning into a cross stitch sampler to hang on a prominent wall somewhere):

I will live in this one, new, beautiful, white canvas of right now and not be afraid to paint all over it with the wild abandon of today.

Grateful always for the gift of tomorrow.

– Lisa-Jo Baker

When Your Temper Scares You

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Almost two weeks

….since I set this up and sadly, the blog posts don’t seem to be writing themselves. Maybe I missed something in the settings menu?

I refuse to let this blog become yet another project I’ve started then abandoned. The day after creating it I got proactive around the house and did a bunch of tasks I’ve been looking at for ages thinking “I really must do that one day,” I researched some snack options to help keep our diets a bit healthier, and I actually cooked (a freaking awesome) dinner and made use of leftovers like a responsible, organised adult.

Then a persistent cough I’ve had for weeks now suddenly got worse, and I was socially rejected by another mum at school who constantly blows hot and cold with me (which is a topic for another post – seriously, does all that bullshit high school social hierarchy stuff ever end??), and my toddler got sick, and now I’m back at square one again. If there’s one thing you can count on in life it’s that hurdles will always appear as soon as you build up any momentum with anything. I guess the trick is to get good at leaping over them – or at least be able to pick yourself up and keep running even after you face-plant into the track.

So right now, I’m dusting myself off, re-tying my laces, and having a quick drink of water before I get my pace going again. BRB

An Introduction

I wrote this introduction on 10th July last year. That’s right: it’s taken over a year to get the blasted thing online anywhere. I often read that many people struggle with creating space to sit still and do nothing in this “fast paced” world. For me? It’s the getting up and doing stuff I can’t get the hang of. My spirit animal is the slug. Or maybe the sloth. Or maybe a slug/sloth hybrid (Sluth? Slog? We’ll go with slog).

Aaaanyway, here’s an intro to my blog. Needless to say, not much has changed in the last year except I’m almost 36, my oldest daughter is now 5 and in Kindy, my youngest is almost 2 (how the heck did that happen?!!) and I’ve used my actual laptop on about 3 more occasions, to back up the photos on my phone. Enjoy!

The Making of Mediocre Meg:
In which a Special Little Snowflake attempts to embrace a Life More Ordinary.

To start, to start. I guess from the beginning. (Or maybe A beginning, since it’s really well past the middle. Depending on where the start is. My head hurts…)

A bit over a year ago I was writing in my journal. I call it my Brain Dump book, where I try to purge my head of chatter and let it all flow onto the page with as little mediation as possible. I’d hit yet another Ultimate Breaking Point in my life where I’d had ENOUGH. Things Had To Change. I was mid-pregnancy with my second child and barely coping with day to day life. No more dithering or thinking about things. Time to Take Action and FIX things so I could finally feel happy and in control of it all. Time to Stop Thinking and Start Doing!

Needless to say I have these moments at least once every few months.

This one was a little different, though, inasmuch as I struck upon the idea of starting a blog to make my attempts to change a lifetime of bad habits public and have a sea of anonymous readers to hold me accountable (and possibly, if I may be so bold, to inspire other stuck people to change along with me). I have little to no self-discipline or intrinsic motivation to achieve much but I DO care about how other people perceive me. Especially strangers (weird, I know). So I started to draft a rough idea of the first stage of my plan and got all excited about it. Got hubby on board too and he got excited geeking out about hosting options and publishing products and all the techie stuff I married him so I would never have to worry about again.

My goal was to get it up and running before my baby was born. Then I just wanted to get it up before New Years so it didn’t look like a doomed resolution project. Then I figured I’d wait until February or so to avoid tying it to any other events.

So now here we are in July and it still isn’t up and running. I have made a little headway here and there with the actual lifestyle changes I’m aiming to cultivate, but I definitely do still need that extra hit of accountability to proceed much further.

So, yeah. Here we are. Writing an introduction on my phone (ignoring the beautiful laptop hubby bought me last Christmas for this exact purpose that I’ve used for maybe three hours total in the last six months) while bubba naps on my chest and Miss 4 amuses herself with the iPad. It’s 3.40 in the afternoon and we haven’t left the house for about 48 hours (admittedly, the weather has been pretty awful). Miss 4 is still in her pjs and we’ve just been grazing on snacks and generally dithering the day away. Everywhere I rest my eyes, no matter which room I’m in, I see a chore that needs to be done, that will in itself require even more chores to be done before I can tackle it properly, which makes my brain and body go into freeze mode to shut out the stress of it all.

I’ve had it. I’m sick of it. I want to feel productive, organised and happy. More importantly, I want my kids to grow up with these lessons and habits internalised so they don’t hit adulthood and feel like they’re ferociously and impotently treading water in an inexorable river of shit just to stay in the same spot, gasping for air when possible. My finances are a joke. My hoarded stuff is overwhelming. My cleanliness is only just passable and my ability to just get shit done because it needs to be done is non-existent. My 4yo gets WAY too much screen time and covets all her masses of toys, while still never being truly satisfied with them, because I cannot get it together to arrange our space so that she can use it to explore, create and play in more healthy ways. I will always take the easy way out so she can watch shitty videos on YouTube while I faff around on Facebook or play shitty games on my phone because escapism is WAY easier than fixing things. My 9 month old is obsessed with getting her hands on my iPhone because it gets more focussed attention than she does way more often than I’m comfortable admitting to.

This is bullshit. I’m almost 35 years old. That’s technically the start of middle age. I’m married. I have not one, but TWO kids. When the fuck do I start feeling like a grown up here?

This is the first day of the rest of my life. I know I say this every few months, but honestly, I really mean it this time!

Please..?

I’ve done it!

Oh my gods. I’ve finally done it. Two years gestating and dithering and plotting and I finally said “To hell with it!” and slapped a blog up. It ain’t pretty, but it’ll do. I am officially a blogger. I blog now. It’s got words and everything.

 

Here’s hoping it sticks…